im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
