Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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