o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i wish my penis had a tongue
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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