And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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