I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
