i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Im part way to drunk.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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