This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize