i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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