It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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