I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
