Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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