he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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