How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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