Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
