if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
