apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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