I never want to see another naked old woman again.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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