I accidentally had phone sex last night
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
