Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
