The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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