I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
