I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
