i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
