just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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