I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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