i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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