fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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