People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
