your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize