you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
