im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
