just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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