I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
My ATM looks so different sober.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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