Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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