Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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