chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
