eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It's shark week go big or go home
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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