she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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