Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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