i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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