My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
