There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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