Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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