She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
