If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize