i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
