I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
