I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
