I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
