Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Randomize
