my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
