just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
