I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
