why do cheetos always look like penises
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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