I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
