What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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