I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
