Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
