My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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