I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
