I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
